Deep in your eyes I see the hope for dreams unspoken

This has without a doubt been the most up and down year of my life. And its been the best. And for everyone who made it that way... I owe you so much that I can never repay.

Brian: Without you I would never have made the friends that I have made. I never would have known the happiness that I have felt. There are so many things/times/places in my life that would have not been the same without you. And the fact that we are ending the year together and in love is the greatest feeling - thank you.

Megs and Bonnie: There's this song that I heard once called Wednesdays. Just listen to it and it will tell you everything... we may not grow old with age, but we will always be on the same page. There aren't words to tell you what you have meant to me.

I'm a little drunk and a little too tired to finish this today... but I will tomorrow for everyone else who has made this an amazing year.

Thank you.

I am so happy right now.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night....

So Christmas this year feels a little strange... just cause of work and stuff I was a little delayed getting into the Christmas spirit and then all of a sudden bang its Christmas Eve. Considering I couldn't even find the time to commit daily to my advent calendar its a little sudden. But I think its definitely still going to be the best Christmas ever.

I finally made it home today after being stranded in Guelph with Brian. Stranded probably isn't the right word cause it implies that I didn't like it - and really the extra time with the boy was nice and quite possibly exactly what I needed. Definitely the greatest gift I have is the knowing that we are together and in the words of someone really really S-M-R-T its "for real, for real". Never would have thought this time last year that this is where my life would end up. But it did and I am so happy. So its definitely a Merry Christmas.

And tonight was good - finally getting to be with my family. Its great seeing how good my Grandpa looks, and how less stressed everyone is. It felt like old times with no dark cloud hanging over us, or even the crazy insane joy of Thanksgiving - as great as that feeling was its nice to just have things back to normal. And by normal I mean normal for our family - which is actually a very scary place filled with loudness and wine and dancing... dear God the dancing.

Best of all - I get a few days without work phone calls before being thrown back into it.

Santa has definitely already been good to me. Really there is nothing else that I could ask for, except to have some people that I am missing a bit closer to me right now. But you're here in my heart (sigh for the cheesiness of it all). So to sum it all up and call it a night... I am so happy. I am so happy with everything that I have. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. My life is filled with so much love and happiness which is exactly how its supposed to be at Christmastime.

I'm sorry for the cheesiness... I figured it might be a nice break from my usual rant. If it would make you feel better I can follow it up with a rant about living in Canada and getting two feet of snow and the shovelling that follows. (By the way I am accepting donations for massage therapy.)

The sun is gonna shine

"Any time something is written against me, I not only share the sentiment but I feel I could do the job far better myself. Perhaps I should advise would be enemies to send me their grievances beforehand, with full assurance that they will receive my every aid and support. I have even secretly longed to write, under a pen name, a merciless tirade against myself."
~Autobiographical Essay by Borges~

I think that this quote says so much. When we hear something negative said about ourselves, we tend to exaggerate it and make it worse. So when the comments start out quite unpleasant - the result snowballs and magnifies. There is no one who could judge me more harshly then I judge myself. And no one could ever doubt me more then I doubt myself. But some people sure are good at helping me along that path.

I further realized something I started to realize yesterday as I listened to myself speak (type?) to someone earlier. I need to let this constant tirade stop getting to me. I think it could be the most potentially damaging environment ever, threatening to send me to places that I never want to be again. I have to fight so hard every day to keep from doubting every single aspect of my life based on this one. And its ridiculous. No matter how things may once have been, I am not that insecure - and I refuse to stay in a situation that makes me feel this way.

I have to say thank you to Brian, Meg, Bonnie and my Mommy for dealing with my insecurities of the past little while with patience and love and support. If you can call threatening to throw someone into a snowbank support (thanks Meggie). And the only thing I can do with you guys is take some actual actions in order to move past this stage in my life. Which I am doing with fingers crossed. And a lot of telling myself that I am not failing - I am trying to be happy and there is nothing wrong with that.

And tomorrow is going to be such a good day - The Benefits of Doubt finally release their CD. Ben and Mike deserve it so much and it is going to be such a phenomenal night. Their music has meant so much to so many people - when I think of them I can't help but smile. No matter what else there was always Wednesdays and happiness/drunkeness/sadness/swaying/dancing/me trying to dance/love/hugs/support/hope and most of all friends. So yay Ben and Mike and yay for cd release parties!

I finally got S-M-R-T!!!!!!!!!!!

You know what I hate about December and the holidays? Its supposed to be a time about family and love and friendship and fun. And it turns into this big stressed-out gift grab. Alright, I know that this is not an original post at all but really I think it needs to be said. Instead of having time to spend time with loved ones we're all busy working extra hard to make money - cause everyone is broke this month and running around doing all the meaningless things you have to do this time of year. I like presents with shiny bows as much as the next person, but I think this year my priorities are a lot different. I would so much rather have time, time to spend with everyone I love. That's what I don't have and what I would like the most. This is just a stupid rant about the commercializaton of Christmas.

But I hate seeing everyone (yes including myself) so stressed about everything at a time of year that is supposed to be about so much more.

I'm hoping that there is an end to my stress.. or at least I might be moving onto more bearable stress. Fingers crossed anyways we'll see how that turns out. See how realistic it is. I sure hope so though.

The way things are going in my life kinda suck. I have so much to be happy about and one thing holding me back from celebrating it. I know, a large part of that is completely my fault - I let it get to me and I put up with it. But that's ending tonight. From this moment on it is not going to get to me anymore. I will be leaving it behind and working on celebrating the things in my life that bring me joy. So thank you everyone for your patience with me. Those who know me know exactly what I am talking about. I refuse to feel badly about things that I should not feel badly about. I refuse to let anything interfere with the good things in my life. All I can hope is that I haven't realized this too late.

If tomorrow is judgement day...

Sometimes I think that I don't deserve any of the good things in my life. Cause sometimes I think that I take them for granted and that I don't appreciate them enough.

I miss my family, I never realized how much I would hate being so far away.

I have the best friends in the world and hate not having the time to spend with them, I hope they know how much I love them.

I have the best boy in the world... and I hope he realizes I feel that way.

The best things in my life are the things I take for granted. Whatever I wonder about sometimes, I know that I love you guys... and you are what I am sure about in my life.

I'm just your girl for all time!!!

I am so excited about tomorrow! After what has been one bitch of a week it will be so good to have a night like old times, with the best band in the world and the best friends too. All I have to do is get through one more sleep and one more shift at work and then I will be free for a great night! I can't wait. I just hope that nothing happens to ruin it, which given my week is a valid wish. And I'd better be feeling better so that I can actually go. My fingers are going to fall asleep from being crossed so much!!!!

This has been a really bad week and I am definitely counting down the days till my break starts. Its not going to be long enough but its going to be good. I can't wait for Christmas and New Years - especially this year when I really have so much to celebrate.

Now if I can only make it through tomorrow... and then the next week and a half... and then I'll be here, relaxing, or at home relaxing.

And tomorrow night is going to be great! Love you guys and I can't wait to see you all tomorrow night.

Hugs

The leprachaun tells me to burn things

So have you ever really really loved something only to end up wishing it would burn?? Alright - I'm not insane I just really wish everything would go away. I am getting out as fast as I can. Tonight was a really bad night.

Tomorrow has to be a better day. Alright so there is absolutely nothing that says that tomorrow is going to be any better but I really hope it is.

I just want it to be after my shift tomorrow so that I can come home and study and try to get a little bit better.

I am so tired of being so upset, frustrated and depressed all the time. I am so much better then this and I can do so much better then this. I'm tired of settling because I'm afraid of taking a chance. I know that I can do whatever I want to and I'm going to do what I want to do.

Thanks to everyone who puts up with my ranting and my misery. I promise that it will be over soon.

I probably deleted the greatest words man has ever read... well maybe not

Sometimes I think that I talk too much and say none of the things that I actually intend to say. As if by saying the wrong thing in mass quantities I could actually get my point across. I don't think that this whole blogging thing actually helps that at all. I make so much more sense when I'm writing on paper for my eyes only. Of course its really the thoughts that I vocalize that I have to worry about.

I feel like I should be so much unhappier right now then I actually am. Not everything is going that well right now, but the things that are are going very well. I'm really looking forward to this semester being over in the hope that the new year will make things better.

Hurray for new years... I'm kind of looking forward to this one.

Alright this is going absolutely nowhere... I'd be tempted to say that its time for me to stop posting for awhile but really the next time I need to rant I'm going to break that!

Maybe the post I deleted drunkenly last night should have been allowed to live - if nothing else it might have been more entertaining.

By the way - Michelle is the greatest!!! Who knew that someone who smells like garbage could be so great! :P

10:27AM - Today's Verdict: THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE MY DAY!!!

So my essay is not going that well... everything seems to take ten times longer then it should. But whatever, it will get done and soon cause I'm just going to throw it pretty soon. Got part of my shift off but I have to go back cause I'm stupid.

Today just isn't going according to plan, not that life ever does. Everytime I think I have something all figured out something changes. My head hurts. I want it to be tonight - large parts of which might be spent randomly walking cause I really don't want to be all happy and drinking tonight lol.

Disclaimer: All of the above subject to change (lol - story of my life) with little to no notice. Chances are I'll probably be a little less stressed soon. Please excuse the rant... I am returning now to the essay of doom as I have taken to calling it.

Buh-bye!

Lately I've been fighting with some feelings from my past. Things I don't really talk about to anyone, ever. But I finally realized that I've grown up and that I've moved on and that I'm a lot stronger then I used to be. Life isn't perfect but I know that some things will never be the way they used to be. And sometimes the best feeling in the world is knowing that there are some places you leave behind forever.

I had such a good day today - got to spend some time with friends. Didn't end up going out like I wanted to because I decided to be a good girl and do some of my essay and get some sleep before I have to go into work early tomorrow, but I managed to get everything else I wanted to get done done.

That's all... this is short because I need to go to bed. But I'm happy. And the best part is that this is a lasting, solid, believable happiness. And even if it wasn't - I would never be sorry for the last little bit of my life - cause its been so great.