We're scared but we ain't shakin', kinda bent, but we ain't breakin'

Tonight I am borrowing a page from my wife's blog and making a list of the things that I am thankful for. There is a lot and I am a little tired of focusing on things that are negative.

- I truly have the best friends in the world. I have two heterosexual life partners who are everything I could ever hope for. Megs and Bonnie, you guys really are the best and I can't even imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't met you. Well actually I can cause padded hospital walls and a strait-jacket are pretty easy to picture. And although life gets in the way sometimes I hope you guys know how much I love you both. And not just you guys either, each and every one of my friends has brought me something special. I love you all and my life would me incomplete if any of you were missing from it.

- Good news from doctors. It is SO cliched to say that things with my Grandpa have given me a new view of life. But it is so true. Because things have turned out as well as they have I get a second chance. And I don't just mean with my Grandpa. Now that I've experienced how quickly your world can turn upside down and just how fragile life is I've realized a few things. Nothing is as important as the people that you love and the things in life that make you happy. And while work and everything unpleasant is necessary sometimes to make those things happen, they are what you have to value and find time for and just appreciate. So from now on I won't hesitate to tell someone how much they mean to me or do something that I want to do. Cause if you don't do it then you may never have the chance.

- Work. Alright so there are days when I really really really hate my job. But I have a job. And I do work with almost all of my best friends. It could be a lot worse. I may not always look forward to going into work but once I get there I like it.

- That everyone important in my life that I have told about my decisions for the future have supported me and told me that I have to do what will make me happy. Alright so maybe that's the reason they're important to me but regardless - thank you. You make a very scary decision exciting.

- Anyone who actually reads this... and sticks it out through my long, sometimes incoherent posts.

- Last but not least. I am most thankful for what I thought I would never have. I never let myself hope that I could be this happy or that things could be this amazing. Now every day I am torn between wanting to freeze every minute to remember forever or wanting to fast forward to the future because I am so excited to see what it holds. It took so long, it took so much but I never imagined that the reward would be this great. Brian, there's a quote on my wall that says a true lover always feels in debt to the one he loves. I owe you so much for the happiness that you have brought to me. And for anyone who reads this who rolls their eyes and thinks we're not going to make it - I am not thankful for your negativity but I am thankful that I have the chance to prove you wrong.

This is me - this is my disappointment in me

ARRRGGG!!!! This post is fueled by my frustration - what you ask do I have to be frustrated about at 1:53AM? And no that is not an opening for dirty jokes. I'm just frustrated in myself and my lack of action sometimes. I'm alright - I'll deal. I'll even be better in the morning. Oh yah and don't read msn articles late at night, they'll just highlight all the things you are doing wrong and all the ways that you are screwing up your own life.

Sometimes I can't decide if I am too hard on myself or not hard enough.

I do however know that posting tonight is part of the problem not part of the solution. So I am going to go back to work and then I won't have to be mad at myself for procrastinating.

By the way, just in case its not clearly visible - this is a rant. I am now going to step away from the keyboard. I will be fine in the morning and I haven't gone off the deep end - just needed to vent. If you've made it this far I thank you for your audiencesque qualities and apologize for the idiocy of this post. ::Smiles & Hugs::

The only abnormality is the incapacity to love.

Ah the lyric spam... such a fan! So I got this new Ivana Santilli cd which I believe everyone should buy as she is great and best of all Canadian. I can honestly say that after the first song on the cd I was captured.

You're So You

Why should I bother falling into
Anything else that would make
my nerves undo
Over again I do it to myself
We're @ our end
but there's always something else

CHORUS
All that I ever felt, you knew
Never a doubt that you would see me through
You're sometimes the say, always the do
It's so true
It's so oh oh oh
It's so true
You're so, you're so you

Wish I could say
what you deserve to hear
I'm trying my best
but the words don't come quite near
It's an old story, and even longer to tell
I just knew that you were sent,
the first day that I fell

You are the one that always
kept my heart this sound
You picked me up when you
shouldn't've had to have been around
You set your soul aside
to make sure I was crowned
You knocked me down with love,
so my feet stay on planet ground

Tonight was a really good night. Open mic was almost the same as it used to be - with one big addition and two big things missing. I remember last year when I lived all week for open mic - when everyone was together and everyone was happy and good things happened. Some nights I thought it was as good as it was going to get - but I was wrong. You can hope for more - and this year, I'm happier, friendships are real and deeper and there is more love in my life then I ever dreamt was possible. So thanks everyone for a great night and you friendship and the love you all bring to my life.

And for the two who were missing - love always.

Home is where the heart is - and you all have a piece of my heart

So this was the weekend that I have been longing for.

Friday night was good - some Skinny Phat. Parts of it were interesting, but as a whole I think I am better off for the events of the night. At least now I can truly believe that whatever else happens one thing will remain constant.

Saturday was such a good day. Had to get up early for a staff meeting but that was alright. Then it was bundling up to watch the Golden Hawks win the Yates cup!!!!! And after that - HOME! Finally I got to go home and see my Grandpa. It was good to see him because he looked so good and it made me feel a thousand times better. And after I saw him I got to see Ruthie and Saron! It was a fun night. Even if I am old and had to go to bed early lol.

Today was a great day as well. Brunch, errands and then dinner with the family.

There were some sad parts to the weekend as well. I made a trip I've been avoiding for awhile, one of those things you have to do but would like to be able to avoid doing as well. Spent some time remembering the one who is in every thought I have always. Didn't really want to leave home to come back here. Started to drop a few hints about a few things and would have liked to have been able to come clean. But I'm biding my time.

However there were a lot more good things then bad things and a lot of things that I am thankful for.
1. My family - I miss them so much and seeing them is always good. Especially my Grandpa this time... now that I have actually seen him I am so much more relaxed.
2. Brian - For being there just because he can and asking nothing in return.
3. My friends - you guys make my life happy.
4. For memories and for knowing some people, even if the time spent together was too short and the memories will always be too few. Miracles do happen and when you find proof of that fact it changes your life and the way you live it - and for that I am truly thankful. No regrets.

Being home this time showed me a lot. It showed me a lot of things that I had been afraid to face before. It made me make a lot of decisions conclusively. Not going to post them on here - but if you ask me I will tell you.

Because apparently you can never have too much Borges...

"To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god."

Has not been my best week ever. Well I take that back... if I were looking for material to use in writing a soap opera I would have had a stellar week. Since I gave up the writing dream a few years ago - I could have found a more productive use of my time.

I'm basically playing a waiting game until Saturday when I get to go home. I try not to think about the fact that by then it will be nearly two weeks since my Grandpa's surgery and the first time that I have been able to get home. Mostly because it makes me very angry and very sad. Here is where I say thank you to Taylor, Jenna and Brian who together are making it possible for me to actually get home. You guys rock!!!!!

I basically hate the person I have become lately. I've decided that I need to get out more and stress less. I'm thinking of finding some place to volunteer and finding more stuff to do with my time. I have a lot more time on my hands now that I have dropped some classes so I think I'm going to fill it out. I just feel better about myself when I'm busier and have more to do.

About the quote... now that the post is pretty much done I can actually stop to explain it. Its kind of an apology to everyone - I know that I've been really hard to get along with this week and really needy and probably really annoying. I really appreciate everyone for putting up with me and for being there with me. I know I will be feeling a thousand times better once I get home to see my Grandpa. Three more days and I can stop the inward pacing and insanity that has been driving all of my actions lately. So thanks to everyone who came by to bring me diet coke and hugs, talk to me and make me happy or drive to come and give me hugs and spend time with me. I appreciate it more then you know. And after a weekend home it will be my turn to make it up to you!

Love to everyone.

Pathetic fallacy - the world has stopped raining for me

Please ignore the part where the world started snowing instead... I'm going for effect not reality.

This is that count your blessings post I talked about... cause I'm definitely happier. Yay for boys who make you happy and Bonnies who suggest random Morty's trips. Love you both.

Pathetic fallacy at the best... the world is raining for me

So not a good day. In fact I am actually at the point where I'm pretty much crawling back into bed and not leaving it for the rest of the day. Only substitute bed for desk and put a stack of textbooks in front of me. Every had one of those days where nothing can go right for you and nothing you do is right? I feel like such an idiot. Bad morning at work... wasted someone's really valuable time... I think my computer might crap out again at any second (already did once this morning).. and to top it all off my Gramps isn't coming home tomorrow after all.

Alright I promise I'll update later with one of those count your blessings things... but for right now its my pity party and I'll cry if I want to.

Winds of change are blowing wild and free...

Where would the world be without Garth Brook songs to quote from? Ok so maybe the whole world doesn't care but I'd be short one post title!

I just had such a good weekend that its a little dizzying. Didn't do anything really exciting, Friday night I stayed in and hung out with Brian, Bonnie and my roommates. But I went to bed early!!!! Had a good shift at work on Saturday and had a good night of scary movies and drinking. Today I had a day off of work (almost didn't happen that way lol) which meant sleeping in, making breakfast with Kay and Brian, getting to see Jazzy, field trip to Guelph to see cute little kids in costumes and waterpolo. Short of a little Fiascos action I don't think it could have gotten any better!

Despite life being really full of changes lately I'm so happy that it scares me. A lot. Things right now are just so good. It makes me want to just freeze life and enjoy it for awhile. But even though I am a little afraid... for the first time I have total faith that it can be a lasting thing... that the happiness is not fleeting and temporary. I have so much faith in tomorrow. Its a new feeling... one that I kind of like.

Probably going to have an anxious afternoon tomorrow while I await news of the operation. But it'll be alright... I'm worried cause it is surgery but not super worried. Gonna say my prayers and trust that the outcome will be good. Thanks again to you all for being there for me through this... I couldn't have made it through a few of those days without you.