You'd like to think you were invincible, well weren't we all once before we felt lost for the first time?

So its been awhile since I posted anything "deep". No late night "Dawson Creekesque" blogging, but I think its that time again.

If someone asked me right now what my priorities were I would unfortunately be at a total loss for words. If someone asked me where I am going in life, I would tell them my plans for the rest of the day and hope it satisfied them. I fear someone asking me why I am doing any of the things I am doing because I could not find the words to tell them.

So I've decided that its time to stop kidding myself. I hate my program... if I even really have a program. I used to think that I was headed towards multiple degrees and an eventual career as an academic. Coming into university I was ambitious, well-directed and focused. I think we can all agree that currently I am anything but. So where does that leave me? Wasting my time and my money on something that I don't want to be doing. And its a lot of money. I can't afford it and all I do is stress about it.

It has taken me a very long time to admit this. I've had the seven year plan going since I was nine years old. To me the scariest thing in the world is admitting that I feel out of control and that I don't know what I want to do with my life. Its not a good feeling for me - there are many butterflies tying knots in my stomach just from the simple act of typing out my thoughts. But unfortunately I cannot afford to deny it any longer - not in terms of time and not in terms of money and definitely not in terms of my own sanity. Already I feel trapped in the direction I am going, and I refuse to wake up when I am forty with a husband and children, miserable and unable to make any changes.

The truth is that I don't know where I am going... the only thing that I do know for sure is where I do not want to go. So in the interest of having some secrets I am not going to announce my plans on here. If you want to know you can ask me and I will tell you. I am NOT implying that I have any firm plans, or any real idea of where I'm going. I just think that for the first time I might have a better idea of where I want to go.

I thought coming into university that being an adult meant toeing the line and doing what has always been expected of you by yourself and others. And I think that a lot of people think that. But I disagree and I'm done pretending that this is what I want or that I know. If I have to smile pretty one more time and make up some bullshit line about where I'm going in life I'm going to scream.

That was a rant.

I'm afraid.

But I refuse to feel this directionless and unfocused anymore. I am going to find something that gives me back the ambition that I used to have.

I think I'm going to college.

I have one edit to make. There are a few priorities and a few things I am sure about. Mostly my friends and my family. This weekend helped to highlight that. I miss my family... I am more homesick then I have ever even admitted to myself. No I am NOT considering moving home. So I have to say that the friends, the boy, and the family are priorities. So I do know one thing... if I had nothing else but them.. I would be alright with that.