The curse of having nothing left to prove

I don't know who reads this anymore. I don't actually believe that anyone really needs to hear the thoughts in my head. Except for the times that I think that everyone should be exposed to my brilliance. Its really a minute by minute thing. This is not the point of this post. (Implying of course that there is a point to any post.)

Went to a Benefits of Doubt show tonight. Good times as always. Almost always anyways. Made me think a lot about how things change. I went to a similar show this summer... the scene and the cast were a little different but its all the same in the end. One song made me cry this summer, same one made me laugh tonight. Even though things stay generally the same, sometimes the meanings behind them change. I think I might be being vaguely metaphorical again... in the sense that that's true about a lot of things. Even though the actions/places/activities stay the same... the meanings behind them change. Sometimes slowly and sometimes literally overnight.

I guess that's all I have to say. Somedays I can't decide if I'm happy or sad and I think this one of them. I think that I need to get more sleep cause I don't think I could reach a higher level of incoherency even if I really tried.

And when you're with me if I close my eyes, There are times I swear I feel like I can fly

I'm better then last night - so this post may be less of a rant and possibly less entertaining. After I posted last night I spent a good two hours in bed trying to decide what I wanted to do. Believe it or not I actually made a decision. And I think that its a good one - it leaves my options open so that I have time to make absolutely certain that this is what I want but also lets me make the changes I want to make.

Since I came here I've been lost and confused. Today for the first time I feel like I have a sense of purpose and direction to what I want to do. I can't wait to get started!

Thanks to everyone I've talked to who has told me to go for what makes me happy. And especially thank you to those that always show me their total faith and belief that I can and should do anything I want to do. You know who you are and hopefully you have some idea of how much it means to me. It wouldn't be the same without you behind me - not sure I'd have stuck it out this long and for sure I wouldn't have the courage to do this. I promise that you're going to be really really proud of me - I will live up to your faith in me!! And I'm going to do it doing something that I like.

I can't believe how much better I feel about everything.

*Counts blessings*
- Friendships and love that I never expected but that have changed my life and bring me so much happiness every day. I've used the word happy so much lately I might have worn it out for the rest of the world.
- The fact that I realized this and gave myself a good kick before it was too late.

And now I'm going to knock wood that this actually works out and haul my ass to bed.

You'd like to think you were invincible, well weren't we all once before we felt lost for the first time?

So its been awhile since I posted anything "deep". No late night "Dawson Creekesque" blogging, but I think its that time again.

If someone asked me right now what my priorities were I would unfortunately be at a total loss for words. If someone asked me where I am going in life, I would tell them my plans for the rest of the day and hope it satisfied them. I fear someone asking me why I am doing any of the things I am doing because I could not find the words to tell them.

So I've decided that its time to stop kidding myself. I hate my program... if I even really have a program. I used to think that I was headed towards multiple degrees and an eventual career as an academic. Coming into university I was ambitious, well-directed and focused. I think we can all agree that currently I am anything but. So where does that leave me? Wasting my time and my money on something that I don't want to be doing. And its a lot of money. I can't afford it and all I do is stress about it.

It has taken me a very long time to admit this. I've had the seven year plan going since I was nine years old. To me the scariest thing in the world is admitting that I feel out of control and that I don't know what I want to do with my life. Its not a good feeling for me - there are many butterflies tying knots in my stomach just from the simple act of typing out my thoughts. But unfortunately I cannot afford to deny it any longer - not in terms of time and not in terms of money and definitely not in terms of my own sanity. Already I feel trapped in the direction I am going, and I refuse to wake up when I am forty with a husband and children, miserable and unable to make any changes.

The truth is that I don't know where I am going... the only thing that I do know for sure is where I do not want to go. So in the interest of having some secrets I am not going to announce my plans on here. If you want to know you can ask me and I will tell you. I am NOT implying that I have any firm plans, or any real idea of where I'm going. I just think that for the first time I might have a better idea of where I want to go.

I thought coming into university that being an adult meant toeing the line and doing what has always been expected of you by yourself and others. And I think that a lot of people think that. But I disagree and I'm done pretending that this is what I want or that I know. If I have to smile pretty one more time and make up some bullshit line about where I'm going in life I'm going to scream.

That was a rant.

I'm afraid.

But I refuse to feel this directionless and unfocused anymore. I am going to find something that gives me back the ambition that I used to have.

I think I'm going to college.

I have one edit to make. There are a few priorities and a few things I am sure about. Mostly my friends and my family. This weekend helped to highlight that. I miss my family... I am more homesick then I have ever even admitted to myself. No I am NOT considering moving home. So I have to say that the friends, the boy, and the family are priorities. So I do know one thing... if I had nothing else but them.. I would be alright with that.

Quote of the Day

"A religious man is a person who holds God and man in one thought at one time, at all times, who suffers harm done to others, whose greatest passion is compassion, whose greatest strength is love and defiance of despair."
- Abraham Heschel

(Thought I'd lay off of the Borges for one night... just something to think about.)

Not too many words tonight

I really don't have that much to say. Things are going pretty good for me. They're busy but at least I'm starting to feel a lot less sick. Hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow all better! Today was a pretty good day... wrote my CS 101 exam and didn't do as badly as I was afraid I would. Had a surprise visitor for dinner which was nice and got to watch the Yankees lose. I cannot find words to express how much that made my day :P. Alright so its been a few years since I watched any baseball. Now I have a week of slightly less to do. And Saturday I get to go home! I think I have Brian hooked on St. Thomas!

Really don't have that much to say. Which is unusual. Maybe after I go home.

I guess I'm just really content. Work is stressful and so is school... but I can deal. I'm just happy. Be even better after I go home. I just wish all my friends could be happy too... I want to fix everything. Sigh. I guess I can only really fix things for myself. Hopefully just being there will help. Its all I can do as much as I wish that I could do more. I think that might be one of the hardest things to admit, how powerless I am to make the people I love happy. :(

The only way I have to measure time

I don't feel well :(. I haven't felt well for a few days now but tonight I thought I was going to pass out. I think I'm just stressed, once I get through this week things should be better. I hope anyways. I'm really just whining to get sympathy right now. So I will move on.

Haven't written much lately... nothing of importance. Its kind of ironic that when you're happy you have far less to say then when you are unhappy. I would think that I would rather blog when I'm happy - turns out when you go to bed with a smile on your face its not as necessary to air out your feelings. It does however make most of my playlist and msn names rather obsolete. No sad music today. Anyways I'm still not feeling well and this post is going nowhere fast... so I think I'm just going to call it a night.

Quickly before I do - just wanted to tell all my girls how much I love them... even those who aren't near by. I'm here for you all anytime you need me - just call.

Its like I'm the coyote - and the brick wall says "reality" not "acme"

Its been a very long week. Got a lot done... but the more I do the higher it gets. Not the way thats supposed to work. Work is stressful. Work is going to kill me. I don't want to talk about work. This was going to be a rant but I just don't want to think about it. My stomach does funny little knotty things and that one muscle in my neck starts to clench up. So moving on...

In other news, well there is no other news really. Things other then work remain blissfully status quo. Its like I pay for my happiness in everything else at work. Which is fine. Cause I really am happy. School is going better then last year and a bit better then I expected. I am hopelessly behind and I have so much to do... but I am doing it. And someday I may catch up. Time spent with the girls lately has been a lot more then usual and as always the best times ever! I continue to be very happy with the boy. If I didn't have you all to go to then I would be so much more stressed. I feel badly for those who don't have people to believe in them and be behind them 100% without asking for any proof to back up their belief. You all are the best. I couldn't ask for more support or more love.

So I'm going to go back to work now... the more I get done the less stress there will be? Right? Well we'll see. There aren't enough hours in the day for everything I need to do and far too few for the things that I want to do. Gotta pay your dues though right? Someday I'm going to have a great career and a family *choke* and yah won't be less stressed but it will be better stress. Right? Right?

If I wake up in WWIII

I definitely had the best birthday ever! The day started out pretty quietly, got dressed up in my pretty new birthday clothes and did some reading for my midterm. Then Brian came over and made me dinner for my birthday. Surprisingly enough he can actually cook! After that me, him, Bonnie, Sean and Meggie all went to Uncle Greg's to drink and hang out before heading to Failtes. It was the best night ever. We didn't do anything that we wouldn't do on a normal night but it was one of the best nights ever.

I'm glad that my friends were there to share it. You guys are the best. I can't imagine anything that could have made this weekend more special (cept having my girls from home here too). Bonnie and Meg are the best heterosexual life partners you could ever hope to have, and Sean always adds to any party! And you know... as far as boyfriends go... Brian is alright ;)

I know that this is the third post in a row saying the same thing. But this weekend was one of the best of my life. And even though I'm back into the real world with a crash today I still stop every little while and smile to myself about this weekend. I'm going to hang onto that feeling no matter what. Cause this weekend has been one of the most real (and surreal) of my life. And I wouldn't let anything or anyone try to change that.

Happiest Birthday Ever!!!

So I turned twenty two hours ago... sitting at Fiasco's with my heterosexual life partner. A hug at midnight and back to the conversation at hand. And already I can say its the best birthday I've ever had. I hate my birthday... but I have a feeling this birthday could change that.

Surprise surprise - its late at night and I'm feeling nostalgic about being nineteen. It was in retrospect a really really really good year even if it was full of a lot of highs. One year ago today I was at Legends with Shaun, Sara and Jay. Sara and Jay had just gotten engaged and I was miserable at school wanting only to move back home. It really doesn't take very long for your life to change completely.

This year I made some of the best friends of my life. I know that no matter what happens these are the friendships that will stay with me. Just as some of my friends from high school are still with me. And it definitely changed my life. At Thanksgiving dinner my Mom always makes us all say one thing we are thankful for - for me tonight it was my friends. My life would be lacking so much without my friends. Meeting you all was the best thing that could have happened to me. Hurray for heterosexual life partners! I'm so happy here now and now I wouldn't want to go home! Except that I really miss my family. A lot. But things are good at home and they don't need me. They miss me, but they don't need me.

I learned a lot this year... about my priorities and what I really want from life. Turns out I had no idea what I wanted in high school. Who knew that the goals you made then would turn out to be ideals that you laugh at now.

I met my best friend this year. I don't think anyone will actually be surprised when I say how much I care about him, beyond friendship. Beyond not being able to imagine my life had we not met, I don't want to. I wasn't heading to happy places but that changed the first day we ever really spoke to each other. Who knew that sorting cutlery could turn your life upside down. But it did. Believe it or not I can't find the words for what I want to say. It keeps getting better and I never expected (only hoped) for the chance to see if there is something more. And there is... and I'm so excited to see what that is and for the chance to make an amazing friendship even more incredible.

I've been saying how afraid I am of twenty. And I was. But this weekend has been the best weekend of my life. And I know that if twenty is anywhere near as good as this year it's going to be ok! And besides really - who isn't happy once they are no longer a teenager??

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Hurray for Thanksgiving. I thought that this year Thanksgiving was going to be anything but. AND FOR ONCE I AM MORE THEN HAPPY TO ADMIT THAT I WAS WRONG! This has been one of the greatest weekends of my life, if not the greatest. So much that I have been hoping and wishing for has come true. I had myself so prepared for bad news that I cannot believe the good news we got. I guess sometimes wishing and praying really is enough! And if that wasn't enough news to make my weekend... I got lucky enough to have someone really special to share it with. Someone who was there with me every step of the way - I couldn't have made it through this otherwise. And that made my weekend even better. Not too mention text messages and goody bags from my friends who aren't here but are always here with me :D. And winnning on a Bingo ticket! Plus seeing friends I've missed, good times at Burtys (yes I said it) and seeing my family. How could this not be one of the greatest weekends ever. And its just going to get better... turkey tonight, followed by Fiascos with the hottest heterosexual life partner ever and then my birthday tomorrow! I have the best friends in the world. Happy Thanksgiving! I hope that everyone else has as much to be thankful for as I do.

PLEASE

Do you remember when you were a child, and you were playing cards and for a moment you didn't look at the cards you'd just been dealt - you stopped and you wished so hard to be holding what you wanted in your hand. Even though you knew the cards had already been dealt and you really couldn't change them you still thought for a second that if you wished hard enough you could change it? I feel that way. Do me a favour - when you read this, if anyone reads this, close your eyes and wish with me, pray a little with me. By the time you do I'll probably already know, but on the off chance that its possible...

I'm standing on a threshold of a day that will change my life. I have to ask again, what do you do when all you have is faith in God that what happens is the way it is supposed to go, even when you know that it might not be what you want to happen. At the moment all I have is faith.

If I've learned one thing lately its that the time you are living is all you really have. There is nothing sure about the future. And if you spend all your time worrying about what the future holds you're going to wake up one day to a wasted past. So what's the point of worrying about something that might or might not happen. Truly the world could end the day after tomorrow (with random wolves and everything) and then what? I just want to be able to know that I lived every day for that day - and if the future isn't what you plan for, at least the past, which is all the reality we have, was everything you wanted it to be.

I swear the woman went crazy

Alright so the weekend was kind of a comedy of errors. Basically anything that could go wrong did go wrong. But after a night with the girls that resulted in a lot more clarity (seldom what you leave the bar with lol) and a day that *knocks wood* has shapen up to be not so bad (it helps if you sleep away a fair portion of it) I have some hope for my future. That's all I'm here to say. Going to go get dressed for open mic.

And can I just say (I know I did drunkenly last night) how knowing that Meg and Bonnie and I will always be there for each other is the best feeling in the world? You aren't anything without your girls.

Alright, fingers crossed for a better week.

Definitely drunk blogging right now.

So I am definitely drunkenly blogging right now. Yet you will notice that I am not in the hospital with alcohol poisoning (ps. definitely the most hurtful statement of my life). I think I am definitely stronger then a lot of people in my life give me credit for. And I include myself in that statement.

So the lesson learned this weekend would be that I can survive a lot more then I thought I could. Cause it has been one shit ass weekend. And guess what? Not in the fucking hospital. The time I have spent in tears has been well wasted. And tomorrow will be another day and I will do what I have to do. Another day is done and I managed to actually enjoy some of it.

Ended up at Fiasco's tonight cause the work thing just wasn't happening for me. And it was good with Bonnie and Meg... I know that no matter what they will always love me.

Things I am thankful for:
1. Time in my life that I will NEVER regret as it brought me so much and made me realize so much.
2. That Bonnie and Meg at least understand the concept of unconditional.
3. That tomorrow as much as I hate it I will wake up and I will make it through the day.

You have a gun to my heart but its not my most vulnerable spot

"One of the schools in Tlon has reached the point of denying time. It reasons that the present is undefined, that the future has no other reality than as present hope, that past is no more than present memory... Another maintains that the universe is comparable to those code systems in which not all the systems have meaning, and in which only that which happens ever three hundredth night is true."
-Tlon, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius - Jorge Luis Borges

For those of you who missed my rapidly deleted post yesterday I will repeat. Borges was an author who was rammed down our throats in English. Grass, Borges and Kafka in one class came close to turning me off of literature completely. Its funny how quickly your entire perspective on something can change. Somedays now I need Borges to describe the "unreality" of my life.

"It has been a very long day" she thinks at 3:59am. This as she looks around the room for her misplaced feelings of legitimacy and the permanent marker she had once used to chart her future.

Its looking like the seven year plan has become somewhat more of a necessity. There are some things that I have learned about life recently that might influence that plan.

1. Regrets are for people who let their fear stand in the way of the chances they want to take and the moments they will want to cherish for the rest of their lives. If you let fear stand in the way of living then you're not going to live.
2. Seven year plans are bullshit. If you can manage to plan a week you're doing well. From now on there will be room left in the plan for events and people who hijack your life. You may end up on a different path then you started on but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
3. Have faith because from that faith you can draw hope. And once you have hope its so easy to love. And the love in your life gives you strength. There is the story of my tattoo which will read "Faith Hope Love Strength".
4. I didn't think that I was capable of having unconditional and patient feelings. But I am. I do. I am much more permanent then the black marker in which I drew my original seven year plan.