Trying desperately to believe Margaret Thatcher...

"Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing: it's a day when you've had everything to do, and you've done it." ~ Margaret Thatcher

So I'm trying desperately with post-its and everything to make myself believe that quote. Really looking back on my day the small portion of it where I was lounging was actually kind of nice. However I can say that I got a lot done today. Maybe there is hope of me getting caught up yet. My husband Plato and I are going to discuss our irreconcilable differences and even have some visitation time with our son Aristotle. (Yes I could possibly have finally gone off the deep end.)

Is it Thursday night yet? I have an amazing weekend - I have Friday off, don't open on Saturday and I don't work on Sunday. Yes - the fact that I have that much time open to spend in the library now qualifies a weekend as amazing. Maybe that moving sidewalk might actually start to slow down after this weekend. We'll see. All I know is I should be able to get some stuff done and if I just don't take my cell phone with me perhaps the distractions will be limited.

My goal is to get caught up on my readings and get work to a somewhat more manageable status by Monday and then celebrate at Open Mic as I've been told I have to be there this week. Damn!

Alright, back to work... sorry about the boring post, its been a long day but I needed a study break before I get back to the reading. Hugs to all.

Travelling through life one landmark at a time

Sometimes I feel like I'm wandering through my life like an olden day explorer, living to find the next landmark to record. These are the days when I don't feel like life is a moving sidewalk and I'm running a marathon in the wrong direction. Today though was a landmark day. And it got me thinking about the events that mark my life - both the unexpected and the expected ones.

I've had a lot of these days over the summer. And crayoned in on my little map are the things that have changed my life. One phone call, one question, one touch - all of which are really a cumulation of deformed molecules, other silenced questions and countless caresses. As if on the map the ground slowly grows wetter until you're floating in the middle of a lake.

A week ago at this time I was feeling unbearably lonely. That has changed over the course of this week. Sometimes when you hit upon a landmark you feel a sense of deja vu, of overwhelming comfort and familiarity as though in a different lifetime this was home. And for awhile you linger. Of course lingering too long is a mistake, and eventually the white expanse of the unfinished map calls you forward. From the vantage point of this familiar place it is easy for me to picture the next landmark. I know what it will look like, and I know how I will feel when I finally reach it. And I hope that my journey takes me to that place.

Things I am thankful for:
1. faith, hope, love, strength
2. Quiet times with friends who understand my need for these quiet times.
3. Southern Exposure - watch out for the May Sweeps!!

A day that "Rendered me so isolated, so motivated"

I think I might be in love with Lucas Mire... Marcos was pointing me towards songs. The lyrics to Heartbeat... definitely my song of the day. And today has been one of those days when you go through a lot of different songs searching for the one to sum up the day. As if there is anyway to sum up this particular day.

That the day is almost over is the best way to sum it up. For about ten minutes I thought it was going to get a bit better. Shoulda knocked wood.

So much faith. Never thought that I could have so much. Never thought that there would get to be a point in my life where I would have to. My patience has been tested, bent and nearly broken today. I feel like I'm a board set between two stones and I'm being jumped up and down on to see how long it will be until I break. Some people may be a little surprised. Although ironically enough I'm pretty close to snapping... and you know I've been up too long when I start mixing metaphors.

This day has been so very long. I never understood how you can go to bed on a tomorrow that has so much promise and wake to a day that holds so little fulfillment. Tomorrow - I am going to the bank, I am buying conditioner, I am going to a staff meeting and then I am going to sit in my room and read. If you want me, that's where I will be. Feel free to crash my anti-socialness but don't expect me to exit on my own.

I don't know what I hate more - when your tomorrows fall short of your expectations or when you're too tired to have any.

I'm tired of being expected to write someone off based on the experiences and emotions of another. I can't do it, I won't do it and I won't be ashamed that I won't. Maybe I'm going to get hurt doing it, and certainly I have in other situations. But I won't live a life with regrets about wasted friendships. I'm not shy about standing up for myself if betrayed or hurt - but until that actually happens I'm not going to live my life as if it had. If I did I would have already missed out on one of the most beneficial and uplifting friendships of my life. This is not an attempt to devalue anyone's emotions or experiences or an act of ingratitude, simply an attempt at explaining a point of view and a small defense of someone who is one of my best friends and has always treated me as such. Things are not always as obvious as they seem and there are two points of view to every story. This is mine. That's all that I'm saying on this subject.

Do over - "We, we who were, we are the same no longer"

Tonight is a night full of nostalgia and comfort. Nostalgia cause I remember a lot. I remember being with someone and being content knowing that it would be the same forever and the comfort and the love and how knowing they knew you and you knew them was all you asked for. Like Garth says - thank God for unanswered prayers. Sure I was wrong but its not wrong to miss that feeling is it? More then anything its a desire to be allowed to love someone cause you know them and you want to. Its more then that though. Its everything that I used to be and definitely turned off for awhile. I just want to be that person again - I was so on top of things and I was so in control of my life. I did not let anyone dictate what I wanted. And I was never so easily thrown by other people's actions.

Not sure where the comfort part came in. Except that I think I might actually be closer to "there" then I have been in awhile. Definitely an eye-opener tonight in terms of what I want and what I don't want. I spent a lot of time not living by my principles and now I am paying for it. And the solution is actually pretty easy. If I follow my instincts and do what I think is right then I'm not going to have to feel this way again. Hurray for being true to yourself and to your heart. In a lot of ways its game over. In more ways its going to be so much better for me. From now on I'm only going to do what feels right to me. And then I won't have regrets. Lesson learned. The Neruda helped for sure.

You raise me up to more then I can be

I know its sad - definitely a Josh Groban line but if you went to see him in concert you would understand. That and the song says it all.

I just wanted to say thank-you to someone. I was really really discouraged today and feeling like a bit of a fuck up to be perfectly honest. They however were great and really made me feel a lot better about myself and my life right now. And thanks to them I've decided to try for something that I really wanted and know that I can achieve but was afraid to try before. Its nice knowing that someone has faith in YOU and not in appearances. Sometimes its just what you need to make a bad day a lot better. A lot of hard work and some priorities and I know I can do whatever I want. Not going to spend a lot of time on here spouting off about my goals. If everything goes alright and I get it then there will be plenty of time to tell everyone. And if not then I don't have to eat my own words. JK! But thanks. Meeting you changed so much and I'm gonna make you proud of me!

Even if it means a greatly reduced occurence of Skinny Phat/make your own martini nights. Sigh. But no regrets for the best months of my life. The friends I've made and the memories I have I would not trade for anything cause they're going to be what I remember and what last forever.

I have a lot to be thankful for right now:
1. I've had this conversation with my beautiful wife - when I eventually do graduate I will know that my degree meant something because of the work that I had to put into getting it. I will have earned it for sure and for certain.
2. For my friends who are there and who encourage me and support me through everything. I've needed a lot of that lately and hopefully now things are moving in a different direction. But I know that if not you will still be there for me and it means a lot for me to have that in my life.
3. Finally but definitely not third in my thinking - a ray of hope. Awhile ago I said that the scariest thing was when all you can do is trust God to make the right decision even while knowing it could very well not be the one I want. So today I'm thankful for that little ray of hope. Its not decisive... and who knows when the clouds will return, but its there and that's all that matters.

Well I'm a little afraid of my new living arrangements... work is a little hectic and stressful... boys are stupid throw rocks at them... family things are tense and worried to say the least. Time for a rant in my blog - I think so.

Its been a long time since I posted. Been a long time since I could get my thoughts in enough order to post with any degree of coherence. I think I've decided now that I am going to be alright. Maybe the most that you can actually hope is that you can decide to pull it together and make it through tomorrow. Life is a choice right? Sometimes it just takes me longer to get there then usual.

Thanks to everyone, a few people in particular who know who they are (or should) who have been there for me. Your hugs and shoulders and tag-teaming helped more then you know.

I'm feeling the need to move away from certain things in my life. I shouldn't lie - I'm not really feeling it so much as knowing that I have to. Change is so hard especially when your heart isn't in it. Fuck necessity.

Gawd. This post is going no where fast. Maybe I'm not as coherent as I thought.

Maybe tomorrow will be the day that I wake up and things have started to make sense again. Or maybe I'll just really get tired of my aimless rhetoric and stop posting? It might be doing the world a favour!