Life is nothing more then the choices that we make

Don't you see, don't you see that the charade is over?
And all the Best Deceptions and the Clever Cover Story awards
Go to you
So kiss me hard 'cause this will be the last time that I let you
You will be back someday
And this awkward kiss that screams of other people's lips
Will be of service to keeping you away
To keeping you away

I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers
I'll be all right when my hands get warm
Ignoring the phone, I'd rather say nothing
I'd rather you'd never heard my voice

You're calling too late, too late to be gracious
And you do not warrant long good-byes
You're calling too late
~The Best Deceptions, Dashboard Confessional

My last post for a bit until I get internet at my new place. Believe it or not I'm actually getting all emotional at moving. Alright not at moving out of here... but what it represents. This summer is over. I'm officially declaring it dead - its been so long, its been so bad, its been so great. Things will never again be the same. "We, we who were, we are the same no longer."

Life is nothing more then the choices that we make... and out of necessity there are some actual choices being made. Due to being in total agreeance with my heterosexual life partner (yah imagine that) I'm not going to bore anyone with my grandiose plans and goals. Out of necessity some behaviours are going to end, and some different ones will take their place. There has been a lot of Dashboard playing lately. While I'm sure this song is supposed to refer to an actual person - its pretty symbolic of a lot in my life. The best deceptions are the ones that we create for ourselves. When in doubt deceive yourself. I'm a level ten expert at that.

This is a night for unshed tears and aborted dreams. Tonight I am praying for the strength to see only what is actually there and the ability to embrace the opportunities that do exist.

I am deeply thankful tonight for many things:
- My friends - the nights together, the memories I carry, the plans we have and the outrageous groping that happens whenever we're together.
- faith, hope, love and strength
- allergy medication

Everybody tells me I am wrong, when I know I'm not, something in me moves to be strong cuz its all I've got

Such a weird mood lately. It will be very good to get back to school and real work (Union Market) because I think my life just needs some direction. I don't understand why I'm so moody lately cause I am at a really good place in my life. I'm so excited about work and school - things really look good and are going to be so much better then they were last year. And the countdown is on for Meg to be home and the Zurich wall is starting to crumble! Spur, Skinny Phat, vodka nights with some guitar playing (not me obviously), randomness and all the McChickens Bonnie can eat.

In other news.... three more days at Harveys. That's right! The countdown is on. After that a week off. Well four days off anyways. But whatever. I have time to do more Union Market stuff and most importantly to move. Don't underrate the moving part.

I guess its all about new beginnings for me right now. Maybe my strange mood stems from having to wait for the new beginnings to begin already. I wish that time would hurry up. Waiting and wondering has never been a good scene for me - I need to be able to act.

I believe in you so much that I could die for the words that you say

So I've been asked a lot lately why I don't go for this guy or that guy. I thought I would address the issue here and now and in the future refer people to this post. So I've met a lot of great guys lately. A girl would be lucky to have any... well most... of them. But no. I'm holding out. And for what you ask? I want a man (problem #1) who can break my heart. I'm not in a place where I need the security/comfort/companionship/whatever of some casual but steady, together because we get along well and we should be in this for the sake of having someone relationship.

I want to be with someone who I am with because I can't get them out of my thoughts, because I hold on for their every word (see title of post/Dashboard Confessional - Ghost of a Good Thing) and because I cannot imagine not being with them. When I have that then I will give up being single and plunge back into the scary world of love. Until then I will not settle and I will not compromise the love that I know is out there. I want someone who would be able to break my heart - and to have that I have to give my heart to someone. And that's not something that I'm going to do easily.

Further theories on love: Life never seems to send us things at the right time. And I'm pretty sure that the idea of something being perfect is a bit of an illusion, the best you get is perfect for you. But I do believe that things happen for a reason. And that if you give things a chance they will generally play out how they were meant to be.

So much to say that has already been said

Seems like things never really change. Yesterday's news is today's news with just the names or places changed. I'm really starting to think that I need that week off. Good news is that I should be moving during it - yes finally. I just need a rest to sort things out and relax a little. Things will look better after that.

And taking a page from the St. Thomas Times Journal which everyone should read;
Cheers to:
1. Time spent talking to Bonnie and Meg - not much longer and we will be reunited!
2. Fixing my computer - don't ask me what I did but its actually running.
3. Faith - as long as you can still believe then things aren't really that bad.

Jeers to:
1. Life in the student ghetto - when you manage to interrupt even my very sound, minimal amounts of sleep you must be throwing quite some party.
2. People who rain on my parade. (Rain On My Parade - Bobby Darin, great song)

No time but no complaints

Someday I will have time to post. Too much work and not enough time but I'm not complaining. Things could and have been a lot worse.

Quickly though, the short list of things I am thankful for.
1. Days when faith seems very near and its easy to believe in life.
2. Having lots of shoes - very handy when an angry beetle invades your room - don't worry I scored one for team... well some designer would be nice but really - Team Payless!
3. The Body Shop - I smell good!
4. Infinity - every day we have infinity choices and that's kind of cool.

The problem with blogs

I would like to name this entry "The Problem with Blogs" or alternately "Andrea (ignoring bad knee) Climbs Onto Her Soapbox". I almost entitled it the problem with society but wanted to get y'all hooked first.

I've decided that the problem with blogs is fairly representative of some problems in today's society. We have become such an email, messenger, text message society that we are drowning in our own literacy. What happened to the days when you knew a friend by the warmth of their hug or their quiet sympathy over coffee? Do we now define friendship by the emoticons in an instant message or a mention in a blog?

I was thinking about what we lose when we rely purely on the written word as a means of communication. I'm probably guiltier then most when it comes to messenger and reading and loving all things written and relying very heavily on electronic communication. But today someone took something in one of my entries to mean something completely different from what I actually meant. It was just one of those movie-style misunderstandings where someone has suspicions about something and it just fits in perfectly with something I'd written about something else. It never would have happened if I didn't have a blog. If I'd said the same thing to the same person over the phone, or even *gasp* in person they would have known by the inflection in my voice, my body language and so many other clues that I didn't mean what they were afraid I meant. So what are we losing as we turn further away from verbal communication?

A few days ago I might not have realized exactly how upset a friend was if she'd emailed me instead of phoned. Today I might have erected a wall without ever realizing it. I'm not going to throw away my computer and there will be no book burning. But maybe tomorrow I'm going to call my friends instead of text messaging them.

Fear And Loathing In My Bedroom

How did I get to this point? It is as though I took a fifteen year leap backwards in maturity. I think that I said the truest thing ever this morning to Meggie - I need to go back to the place where I could be proud of everything I did. Every day is a new day, all you have to do is make use of it.

Its like a poison that invades every facet of my life

Have you ever been in a situation where even though something feels so close and so obtainable its really so far away? I think that's about where I am. If only it didn't seem so there... so close... so possible. Where's the emergency stop on the surreality rollercoaster? There is no semblance of reality here to shake me from my sleep. Wake me from my blissful slumber. Toss me from my bed. And even though I know the day gets closer when that will happen and I will be awoken in the rudest way possible I still continue to cling to my dreams.

I lost reality somewhere along the way and I can't seem to find it.

If you know where to find it, let me know.

I can't afford a reward cause I'm moving out on Sunday. I'm very happy about that. No roommates for a few weeks. Just lots of solitude which I crave. Of course next week I will be begging everyone to come over cause I'm bored and lonely... but I think I'll enjoy a night of alone first. When I'm alone I think too much.

And in the real world, where I do spend a wee bit of my time. I think I have a sleeping problem. Really what kind of person stays up till three every night and only gets five hours of sleep a night. Gawd. No wonder I'm burning out. I'm taking a week off. In that week I'm making my apartment fun to live in, I'm finishing my scrap book, I'm visiting the library and spending hours there every day reading the books on my list. I'm going to go to Skinny Phat and party till 3am and sleep till 3pm the next day. I might actually go swimming. I'm taking a day trip somewhere. I'm going home and I'm going to run up and down the beach and eat Mackies fries and drink Orangeade until I turn orange. Maybe I'll take two weeks off. (And with that last statement the real world drifts away again).

I'm on crack. I must be. There should be a rule against blogging at 2:30am - it might be a worse idea then drunk dialing.