At least my husband hasn't tried to kill me for my fortune

Today was a bad day at work. Today was a long day at work. Today was a rude day at work... do you get the picture yet? Moving on - one month from now I will be doing assistant manager training and getting ready to start school again. At the beginning of the summer I wanted it to last forever, now it cannot end soon enough. But that's enough ranting. I'm determined to make some changes. I'm going to have to if I want to get through next year!

My Happy Things:

1. Knowing that Harvey's loves me. Cause I wash walls.

2. Food - Chinese food, Lucy's food, tea - yummy food.

3. Poems that you find online. One of only two that spoke to me while I was reading the Library of Congress' daily poetry for American high schools. Some of them were just really really bad. This one made me think of those random moments when you see someone with their guard let down.

Botany In Action
Christopher Joslyn

This morning I found you before the rain,
Before a shower, before makeup and hairspray,
Before you made your breath like mint,
Before morning prayer, soap, earrings, and perfume,
Before hot water, breakfast and a cigarette, when
You were six brown leaves dancing in the wind

This morning I found you before the phone rang,
Before the first bill was paid, before your impatiens woke to thirst,
Before you cleaned rough white crystals of sleep from the corner of your eye,
Before you took any medicine, before you looked in any mirror,
Before your life begain to need you, when
You were smooth stones at the bottom of a cold, fast-moving stream

This morning I found you before you touched the powdered wing of your own early beauty
With an attempt to be beautiful.
Your hair a million unmapped directions, a survey of the wildness of sleep,
Your body rising, falling with your breath, before you dressed in a different rhythm
This morning I found you when you were botany in action,
Partly bud and partly bloom, scarlet flower drinking air and light.

Patio Nights - A Great Cure For The Blues

Last night was exactly the kind of night that I needed.  A few drinks with Chelsea, a fun walk with her and Taylor and of course a visit to my new pita-flavoured happy place!  So my top three of last night...

1.  Time on the patio just hanging out.
2.  Pitas - and not having to go alone to pathetically get my pita and check out the pita guy.
3.  The possibility of more Patio Nights (as they shall henceforth be known) to come!

 

Change of perspective...

"Fathers and teachers, I ponder 'What is hell?'  I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love."
-Dostoevski

Just like the Staples commercial... I'm going back!

I'm borrowing something from Chelsea's live journal and writing down a few things that I am grateful for.
1.  Family who are there when you need them despite what is happening in their own lives.
2.  Talking to friends who take away a little bit of stress and make you feel a little bit better about yourself when you talk to them.
3.  Sugar Mountain and Pilot Pita - just goes to show that there are some undiscovered happy places out there.

Of course... since its me, I'm also adding to this with a few rants.
1.  People who call tomato 'mato really quietly and then wonder why you think they said mayo.
2.  When people think that they can hide something that is totally obvious.  Don't lie... its not necessary, that you feel it is offends me more then anything you can lie to me about.
3.  Fabulous shoes that hurt your feet.

The things I'm grateful for totally outweigh my rants.  And in the end I'm still glad that I have a job I like at Harvey's and that I'm actually getting hours.  Plus - fabulous shoes are worse the sacrifice.

That's all for tonight.  My little brother is down for awhile so I'm going to go hang out with him a little bit longer before I have to go to bed.  Work tomorrow... as always.  Yay for having 50+ hours this week!  And the number one thing that I am grateful for today - I CAN GO BACK TO SCHOOL FOR SURE IN SEPTEMBER!  I'm going to have to work a lot and it might suck, but I get to go back and that's worth the sacrifice.  Especially now that I've decided that I really do want to go back.

Look at the Swiss Cheese Girl... let's laugh and point!

My posts are pretty sporadic.  Unlike my paper journal I actually feel as though I have to write coherently.  You never know who might be reading your blog.  Alright so the answer to that is no one but it stops me from just pouring out my rambled, mumbled, jumbled, bleeding thoughts.  That was *drumroll* until tonight when I just need to rant.  Albeit a tired, emotionally-drained, shouting in a very quiet voice rant.
 
I feel like I am missing pieces.  I'm empty.  I'm tired.  I can't take any more.  I'm shouting... quietly... on the inside and am still surprised when no one is listening.  That's not true - I'm surprised when the people who are listening are those that I would least expect to listen. 
 
What do I know?  I know that I trust too much.  I know that I refuse to start a relationship asking myself how much potential there is for hurt.  I know that I'm loyal for the right reasons and I know that I fuck up... a lot... not usually for the right reasons.  I have a sick need to believe, a great deal of blind faith and that the cynicism is 6.7 out of 10 times total bullshit.  I know when I feel betrayed. 
 
My life contains a lot of contradictions.  Sometimes I joke that I'm just one big walking contradiction.  For example, the people who have 'inspired' this post will sympathize with me never believing it could possibly be intended for them.  I don't care.  All I hope is that the people it isn't intended for understand that I love them.  And that I trust them, don't care if I could get hurt, that I will be loyal and fuck up.  And that I have blind faith.  I believe in you.
 
 

What becomes of a day for those who rage against it?

Its been a long day. I woke up in Ottawa and am going to bed in Waterloo to the sound of thunder. I think I've hit about every emotion in between. Apparently you can leave town for two days to come back to a world that has totally changed.

"And what becomes of a day for those who rage against it
And who will sum up the phrase for all left standing around in it"

I'm going to bed now cause there's nothing else left to do. If you need to talk, need company, need anything call me. You being anyone who needs anything... sufficently broad lol.

Things I am learning about Ottawa

1. I do not know where Beavertails have been all my life - but my life was not complete until now.
2. The #5 bus drivers in Ottawa ARE NOT as nice as the #5 bus drivers in Waterloo.
3. Visits with your heterosexual life partners are necessary for the good of your health.
4. It is possible to sleep from Waterloo to Ottawa - waking only for hot chocolate and chocolate glazed donut time.
5. Ottawa has a lot of water. You can take boat rides on said water. I choose not to as being in something floating on water is unnatural and sickening.
6. www.p-mate.com - people will invent anything and people will buy anything.

We, we who were, we are no longer the same...

Do you ever wish that things could stay the same forever? I'm at home right now and I would give so much if the things that once made me happy could still make me happy. If I could move home and be happy living at home, with my Mom. If I could go back to old loves who I still love. Once upon a time these things made me so happy. And I'm happy now with my 'new' life, but its sad how much you sometimes end up leaving behind when your life changes. I don't regret the decisions that I made and really deep down I don't want to come home or go backwards in time. But sometimes its really easy to wonder what if...