One day at a time is the fastest speed of life

I would like to say that every day that passes gets a little bit easier. Really every day that passes I grow a little more resigned. I wonder if it ever goes away? Someday there will be a day when the memories make me smile, in passing. Until then - longing, anger, butterflies, fear, ectasy. Followed by resignation.

Today was a good day though. I went to Gay Pride in Toronto and had such an awesome day. It was great to go and see something that you definitely don't get to see in St. Thomas. It made me really happy that I got to be there and to share that. Then when I got back to town I found out tonight was one of those random Skinny Phat's playing nights. It was fun, not that me, Jazzy and Taylor every have trouble finding fun. Thanks everyone for a great day. Plus I found out today that I have real hours at Harvey's next week which is great!

You can make my life worthwhile, I can make you start to smile.. or not

Have you ever found a song that perfectly expresses how you're feeling? Tonight it is Big Machine by the Goo Goo Dolls.

Ectasy is all you need
Living in the big machine
Oh you're so vain
Now your world is way too fast
Nothing's real and nothing lasts
And I'm aware
I'm in love but you don't care
Turn your anger into lust
I'm still here but you don't trust at all
And I'll be waiting
Love and sex and lonliness
Take what's yours and leave the rest
So I'll survive
God it's good to be alive
I'm torn in pieces
I'm blind and waiting for you
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you

Still in love with all your sins
Where you stop and I begin
And I'll be waiting
Living like a house on fire
What you fear is your desire
It's hard to deal
I still love the way you feel
Now this angry little girl
Drowning in this petty world
Oh who you run to
Swallow all your bitter pills
That's what makes you beautiful
You're all or not
I don't need what you ain't got

I'm torn in pieces
I'm blind and waiting for you
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you

I'm blind and waiting for you
I'm blind and waiting for you

The hardest part is knowing that I am strong enough that I could keep doing this forever but realizing that just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. So I won't. But first I might spend one night curled up under the covers crying about it. Then no more tears until I find a better reason to cry.

Who needs heroin when you have V2.0?

Hurray I'm actually updating! Things have been pretty busy in a relaxed way if that makes sense. None of the rush of school, just lots to do. But things have been good. Before I bore anyone with details of my life I'm going to bore everyone with my random thoughts. I've been thinking a lot lately about getting hurt by someone you really care about. And how much it sucks. But I think that its really sad when people stop getting hurt. I would so much rather be able to say that I let people in and I loved and felt and got hurt then to say that I never felt anything so I never got hurt. And if the biggest regret I ever have is that I can't be the one to give someone the same happiness that they have given to me that's ok. At least I can say that I tried and that I loved and that I lived my life fully.

As for the day to day stuff. Work not so great - hours are getting cut a lot at Lucy's and Harvey's is not making up for it. So I need to start the great job hunt again. That's ok though. I can do that. I'm missing Bonnie and Meghann but Meggie will be home soon for shut down week and really the summer is half over already. Missing home a lot - really thinking about just giving up and going home for the rest of the summer except I know there isn't work there. I do miss everyone though. I want my little brother to come stay with me for awhile now that he is done school.

I just want to say hurray for finding people who are at the same level of committment wanting as I am. Its so awesome to have guys who are sweet and fun and great friends who aren't trying to marry me!

Other then that.. not much. I'm so tired right now I'm not even sure this is coherent. I'm sure I'll get comments if its not!

Its the first day of the rest of my life!

Nope.. not a deep reflection on the new goals and changes I've been making lately. Simply gloating that from this day on I will be living a Williams Coffee Pub free life! Yes that's right, today my dreams came true and I found another job so that I could quit Williams. It was a great day! I got so much accomplished, I found a new job at Harvey's that I think I might actually like. People laughed but I liked working at Harvey's. And after Canadian Tire, the Help Centre and Williams I can live through anything for three months. Besides that today was my first shift shadowing a waitress at Lucys so that I can pick up a few serving shifts here and there. Hurray for great days that happen when you least expect them.